Judge John Hodgman on Slurping Noodles

Nash writes: I slurp my noodles, even spaghetti. It’s the best way to eat them, and culturally appropriate in certain contexts. My wife says it’s improper — and inappropriate for me, a white American, to slurp outside very narrow circumstances.

I want to rule against you. First, you’re slurping in bad faith, using cultural arguments as a smokescreen. Second, while slurping is the custom in certain Asian cultures, a white dude’s loudly sucking soba in Seattle is performative foodie-ism, no matter what. But you’re not wrong (except for the spaghetti part). Your wife failed to make the one argument that would give her standing: It grosses her out. If that’s true (I bet it is), stop doing it in front of her. Save your slurp for those who want it: the millions of fans of close-up noodle-slurp ASMR YouTube, which really exists, and maybe should be your next job.