I live in Alabama where it has become quite common for white families to adopt Black children. I feel like many of them believe that this action absolves them of any accusation of racism. Personally (I’m Black) I disagree and believe they have an obligation to actively engage in dismantling racist systems and practices on behalf of their child, rather than merely assimilating the child into their families and social circles, which inevitably reflect these same racist systems and inequitable outcomes. The issue is that one mom whom I know through my community activities has pushed for friendships between her children — one of her girls in particular — and my 9-year-old daughter. But from what I’ve seen on social media she is a Trump supporter, has anti-immigrant views and has an “all lives matter” approach to police violence. I would normally not leave my daughter in the care of adults with these values or become “mom friends” with them. But do I have an obligation to get closer to the family for the child’s sake?
What you said about not wanting to leave your daughter in her care reminded me of a story from my own life: Recently, a friend sent his young Black daughter to a church-sponsored overnight where the white conservative pastor decided to share his views on various nonreligious topics with the kids. She came home parroting points about how bad, scary and criminal Black Lives Matter protests were, having fully embraced these ideas after just a weekend away. I am sure these comments (and whatever else she heard) took a toll on the way she thinks about herself, people who look like her and her place in this country. I don’t want your daughter to have a similar experience — I’m sure you don’t either.
You are under no obligation to send your child off to be exposed to the noxious political views of people of any racial background, and you shouldn’t.
But while I’m all for avoiding people whose politics are racist or don’t reflect your values, a child being involved does make things tricky. There’s definitely something to that nagging feeling you have that she could benefit from having you and your daughter in her life.
I talked about your question with Gina Miranda Samuels, an associate professor at the University of Chicago who studies belonging, identity and kinship among adopted children and is herself a transracial adoptee. She said Black kids adopted by non-Black families can have a hard time when their parents take a “colorblind” approach to parenting. This might look like deciding that a school is “good” based on academics alone, without considering the negative experiences that could come with being one of the few Black children there.
There are also, she said, parents who do understand that being Black means something but think acknowledging that begins and ends with mastering Black hair care and providing a few Black dolls or books with Black characters. What transracially adopted Black kids actually need, she said, are “real experiences with a bunch of Black people who have cared about them and given them some confidence.” For a child who hasn’t had these experiences, “just the existence of having a friend who’s also Black could be really powerful.”
Your daughter could (I say “could” because shared racial identity isn’t enough to support a friendship, and for all we know the two kids won’t even like each other — but let’s hope they do) play that role. You should try to work to make it happen. (I’ll leave it up to you to figure out how to arrange things so that all play dates take place at your home or somewhere both parents can be present, like a park.)
There’s one big thing to remember before you suggest that the girls hang out. It sounds like you’re judging the other mother. That’s fair. But repeat after me: I will not let this child have any idea at all about my feelings about her family or how she’s being raised.
Dr. Samuels told me that in conversations with people who were transracially adopted, she often hears that “you kind of feel that as a kid you bear the weight of everyone’s opinion of your family even though it wasn’t your choice.” So hearing that her mom’s worldview and political views are wrong would be really confusing and alienating for the little girl, most likely undoing any of the benefits she gets from having Black people in her life. So remember that you’re not there to educate or detox her. Simply have a relationship. Give her the experience of not being the only Black person around, and offer — through your actions, not your words — an example that may counter the message she may receive about Black people.
As awkward as the situation is, I think you’ll be glad you did. “As a Black community, these are our kids,” Dr. Samuels said. It seems you agree, and at least one child in your community will be better for it.
Jenée Desmond-Harris is a contributing Opinion writer and writes the “Dear Prudence” column at Slate.
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